02/11/2025 End of October
I’ve basically spent this entire week being ill and exhausted thanks to a never-ending cough and my insomnia plaguing me in the first half of the week. Well, ill and increasingly having a gender crisis. I wasn’t expecting it to become such a big deal but I’m now feeling like the coming winter is going to be a lot like 2019/2020, so being closeted and having those conversations about gender again. It’s both infinitely easier this time, because I know everyone around me is supportive and I’m an adult who can do what I want anyway, and infinitely more difficult, because I can’t just chop all my hair off and call it a day. I have been starting to have those conversations a little - well, I’ve asked one of my friendship groups to start using a different set of pronouns and gendered language, and I know a few of my other friends are at least vaguely aware something’s going on - but mostly it’s November and I do not feel ready to talk to anyone about anything. That’s what winter’s for. Maybe. It might also be what spring’s for. We’ll see how it goes.
Anyway. As per being ill I’ve been really getting into my hot drinks and I’ve now properly acquired earl grey, which I was vaguely a fan of before but am now drinking regularly. I’m starting to adjust more to the cold weather definitely - I’ve been enjoying feeling cosy inside but I’ve also started to enjoy the cold, which is good. I went on a walk at like 4pm and the sun was starting to set, crazy in itself, and it was the first time this autumn that I’ve really enjoyed the cold and remembered why I like winter. It’s lovely and refreshing and really makes you feel so awake and alive, and with all the turning colours of the trees and the leaves turning to mulch on the ground it’s just a wonderful experience.
The sun setting earlier I had kind of forgotten I needed to bear in mind but now that’s another thing to keep track of. I’m not a night walker generally so it just means I need to be more aware of time, but I’d forgotten how much it requires you to think ahead and keep track of what’s happening, though. I’m looking forward to the long dark nights though - I’ve been thinking a lot about 2019 for gender related reasons and it reminded me just how important an experience being out in the dark in late autumn and winter was for me back then. There was something magical about it - and I’ve been thinking about 2022 too, about cycling and walking to my counselling sessions at night - and I’ve been thinking I need to be appreciating those experiences more.
I’ve been listening to my October playlists a lot this week and in my notes I wrote “feeling like every year is happening at once and time is collapsing in on me” which, yeah. That’s what I love about my seasonal playlists really, and drawing lines back to past years - it feels like everything is happening at once, like every new year is just another layer of tracing paper and eventually they’re building up to create such patterns.
Halloween was fun until it wasn’t, really. I always forget that I like the build up to Halloween more than the actual night, and when it rolls around I’d much rather be sticking a NO TRICK OR TREATERS sign on the door and disappearing to my room to write music. But I had a few good nights out and it’s been some of the few times this month I’ve felt the playfulness I usually associate with October, so that was fun. I’ve felt mostly like October’s been a bit of a car crash, but that just makes me all more optimistic of November. Not that I’m expecting things to change much, just that everything tends to slow down and even out, which is has been, anyway.
Anyway. That’s the end of October, thank God. Now I have assignments to do and a gender crisis to unravel and I’m finally going home, too. That will be nice.