28:09:2025 End of September
Oh God what a week. I can’t wait until I can not say that anymore. I think September has just been kind of shit to be honest which is a shame bc I love September but everything has just kind of been going wrong and I have not been coping with it amazingly.
Fresher’s week was kind of a nightmare really. I mean at the start of the week I had 2 panic attacks which is pretty par for the course for September but I’d gone so long without experiencing anxiety in that direct of a way that it really felt, well. I’ve been trying to be kind to myself and I’m asking for help and setting boundaries and all that, but I won’t lie and say that I’m not on my list of people I’m upset with.
It’s been rough but I’ve been being unnecessarily bitchy. Like I said last week, it’s really unfortunate that this period is coming in tandem with fresher’s because I’ve been so antisocial and frankly just not having any patience or much friendliness beyond the superficial and unfortunately I think some of the freshers may have been on the receiving end of my coldness. It doesn’t help that the groups I’ve been helping out in have been imploding; had I been in a better space, the mistakes people are making would probably be minor annoyances at most, but as it is everything’s really getting to me.
I think of September a lot as a very emotionally vulnerable time, and today I’ve been thinking of anger as a vulnerable emotion to experience. I think maybe because it can make everything affect you so much - when you’re angry about something you can be really obsessed with it, it can really seep through your life and overwhelm you, and it makes it easier to hurt yourself and the people around you. Luckily my friends are being lovely and helpful even when I’ve been being difficult (I should really thank them for that) and my self preservation instincts are strong enough that the most damage I’ve been doing to myself is sleeping in when I know it might fuck up my sleep schedule.
I was intending to write more here, but I’m kind of leaving it too late now and I’m in a bit of a state. Just getting emotionally battered and now physically battered has exhausted me. I’ve worked out some of the faith stuff at least, if the hard way, been composing religious work and writing prayers and going on late night religious/mental health crisis walks which have been surprisingly effective. It does feel now, looking back, like September has been a lot about realising, again, the hard way, that my relationship with God and my relationship with Christianity and the church are very seperate things, and that the latter doesn’t dictate the former. I’m gonna try and have a restful week ahead, and hopefully October is less exhausting.