31:08:2025 End of August
Here's the end of summer, I suppose. It's been a good one. I'm sad it's over, which I really wasn't expecting to be, and the apprehension for autumn is still very present, which is also unexpected. But I've been pretty ambitious in my plans for this month and after's summer's restfulness I suppose anything was going to feel like a lot.
I always forget how much September feels like a time of anxiety to me. It's been getting worse over the years, and I'm sure a lot of my worry this year is a consequence of last September, which was disproportionately bad, and I know it'll be significantly better this time, but that doesn't mean it's not weighing on me a little. But I've been thinking of September also as a time of bravery, as a time when anxiety rises but I rise up to meet it as well. I'm trying to get back into the habit of doing things that scare me in anticipation of getting back into music, which I'm finding pretty intimidating. I made it to mass alone this morning which felt pretty monumental - I spent most of last year finding new excuses why I couldn't and wouldn't, and it's nice to prove to myself that I can. The unfortunate side effect of that was the return of my physical anxiety symptoms - tremours, specifically - that seem to haunt me every September. But it's nice to think that I'm living the life I want to be living, I suppose.
I've been thinking about that a lot this morning as well. I've moved into my new house now and this morning was idyllic. I sat drinking tea and watching the birds at 7am and sang Garden Song by Phoebe Bridgers to myself. It's a song I listened to a lot in February, in between being horrifically ill and getting very distracted by Killing Eve and Hozier and everything else, when I could feel that I wasn't quite myself and wanted to create that quiet to find myself again. I never quite managed it then, but I have now. It reminds me a lot of planning and dreaming about this year and all the things that I'd do. Now I'm living in the house I chose back then and doing everything I wanted to and more - it feels like my present is grounded in my past, which I really appreciate. And it feels like this September is mirroring parts of that February, maybe - all the things I wanted to do then but couldn't, or didn't. But I'm here now, exactly where I wanted to be.
It feels now like August has already ended. Everywhere leaves are starting to fall, and the weather in this city's much less summery than at home. The days before I left were certainly August though - I noticed that the sunlight seemed faded and pale, which I've not noticed before. We had a lot of thunder though, and dark threatening clouds, and rain, and the air felt charged, literally and figuratively. Now the other feeling seems to have taken over - this yearning for comfort and warmth that I definitely associate with September, of wanting to stay at home and wrap up warm and shield yourself from the world. I'm glad there's time to change, but I want to get to know this new house more, and I've started composing music as well, which should keep me busy. I love seeing what new hobbies and ideas I pick up around this time of year. I never change exactly how I expect to; there's always something I don't see coming. This year it's the music, and music as an art form in itself rather than a way to present lyrics. I don't care too much about other people experiencing what I'm making - I'm just making it for the sake of it, instead.
This has felt like a short entry, but I've not had much to say. I've not been making so many notes this week, just watching the time fall through my fingers. It's going to be interesting seeing how it all turns out. In the meantime I think we're doing May again, reading and exploring with public transport and Somersault by Beach Fossils. May and September are my favourite months, my most emotionally vulnerable months. I don't like making assumptions about a way a month's going to go but it feels difficult not to make those predictions - right now it feels like May and late January - mid February and September-October of 2022. It feels personal and small and vulnerable. By the end of September it may well be something else entirely. I'll be looking forward to it.